Seriously, Newcastle? Sportwashing, Murder & Mayhem

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It's the ultimate moral conundrum. 

You’re stuck in a deep dark whole, and you’ve been trapped there for 14 long years. 

Finally, having long given up all hope, along comes someone to save you. 

BUT - your potential saviour is a sadistic killer, hell bent on taking over the world, and you have to swear allegiance to him, for all time, in order to receive his aid.

We’ve all been there, right? 

Well, last week, after 14 years of Mike Ashely-induced footballing captivity, Newcastle United found themselves in just that position.

And the club went ahead and happily accepted a bloodstained hand in the darkness. 

Or, more precisely, Newcastle - and the Premier League - accepted a 300 million pound take over bid, 80% of which was funded by Saudi Arabia's Public Investment Fund - or PIF.

The PIF has its fingers in many global pies - Disney, Uber, Facebook and Starbucks to name a few. And 300 million isn't much at all for a premier league team. You could buy Jack Grealish and Harry Kane for only slightly less money. 

The problem is that Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has a truly shocking record of human rights abuses, including what the Biden administration concluded was a successful plan to either “capture or kill” the dissident journalist Jamal Khashoggi. 

That was one of the reasons why the Premier League took a firm stance last year and rejected the deal - with the Crown Prince being the chairman of the PIF AND the head of the Saudi state. 

But then some dude had his job title changed slightly at a brunch meeting, and after that the Premier League decided that it was the best deal they’d ever seen.

It’s the latest example of what’s called ‘sportswashing’ - a brand new way to clean up anyone’s global image. 

It's a bit like a confessional booth, where you talk to a priest, in private, and through sincere repentance, are absolved of your sins. 

Except that sportswashing isn't private, religious, or honest - and doesn't require any remorse or admission of guilt whatsoever. 

So the Premier League’s message to the world last week was this: no matter how heinous your deed, no matter how serious your crime - just buy a sports team and pretty much everything is forgiven. 

At the very least with a certain fanbase somewhere in the world - AND with any parties who stand to benefit financially from the deal.  

In fact, sportswashing has proved so effective that it’s a shame more killers don't have access to limitless funds. 

Ted Bundy? Sure, he did some bad things but have you seen his little league team?

Richard Ramirez? Yeah, he made some poor choices, but he also bought me a ping pong table, so…….

If there is a plus side here, it's that Newcastle are now officially out of the hole AND the richest club in the world. And that means they can set about attracting all the right players for all the right reasons. 

Number one on the list will be Neymar - who’ll finally get the chance to play for the club he always dreamed of representing.

Oh sorry, I meant go wherever the biggest money is with completely dead eyes and no human warmth or love since the early 2000’s.

Pep Guardiola will almost certainly be a target in the long term as well, mostly because of his unique approach to team development which, roughly translated into English, can be rendered crudely as ‘buy all of the world's most expensive and talented players.’

But in the end, it's hard to say who the real winners and losers are. Is football really more important than life and death - as Bill Shankly once said? Or does this deal encapsulate everything that’s wrong with the world, and bad in the modern game?

Whatever comedy of errors is heading our way - Newcastle fans may rue the day they accepted the PIF’s aid. 

And they may come to realize that they didn't actually escape, but just ended up in a different kind of trap.