Seriously Football - ‘Shithousery’ 101

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First - the language. 

‘Shithouse’ - vernacular noun meaning ‘extremely unpleasant place.’

In 2021, the bathroom is an idyllic place of refuge. Browse instagram, reply to emails, kick back and have some ‘you time.’

But in 1821 the ‘shithouse’ was an unlit, uninsulated outbuilding, filled with bugs and vermin and the stench of many previous occupants. 

Shithouse-ary therefore, is the act of being extremely unpleasant - and in football there are two main variants:

1) Create an extremely inhospitable environment. 

2) Achieve an unfair advantage through extremely unpleasant behaviour.

Diego Maradona’s ‘hand of god’ took shithousery out of the shadows in the 1986 World Cup.

A clear handball, a total disdain for the rules, an utter contempt for the spirit of fair play and a gleeful rejoicing in sporting deviance - Maradona was an elite dark arts practitioner on every level.

In fact, it was an offence so obvious, and on such a global scale, that for it to have escaped the referee’s attention suggests at least some degree of actual witchcraft or sorcery.

At the other end of the pitch, football hardman Vinny Jones set the bar for defensive shithousery. 

The ‘gentleman’s handshake’ he offered Paul Gascoigne in 1988, clearly inspired a whole generation of modern shithouse-specialists like Pepe, Busquets and Sergio Ramos.

In the early 90’s, German striker Jurgen Klinsmann perfected the ‘dive’ - faking serious injury with twists, rolls and groans.

Didier Drogba innovated with a neck-hold and hand shake that suggested the imminent loss of consciousness. 

And in recent years Neymar elevated it to a whole new art form with one of the longest sustained dives in history - an eight meter surging vault that comprised TEN full body twists, and enough pathos to put Michelangelo himself to shame.

Environmental shithousery includes time wasting by player, officials, and ball boys; as well as flares, projectiles and decapitated animal carcasses hurled onto the pitch by fans. Yes - that actually happened.

So in essence then, the dark arts of football either banish you to the shithouse, OR, shit from a great height on your most cherished hopes and dreams.